For those of you who read my book, Picking Up the Pieces to 100 Broken Promises, you know that my relationship with my oldest son, Mikey, has been less than stellar to say the least. Due to coronavirus, I couldn’t visit him on his birthday, but I can hardly believe that he’s 15 years old now. And as of today, he is not home, not because I don’t want him here, that’s for sure. Never did I imagine that we would not be together. This birthday without him was a hard one. I am used to him helping me pick out his birthday theme and buying or making his cake around that. I miss picking out his gifts and watching him enjoy it, even if it will end up broken later. I settled for ordering his gift on Amazon and zooming with him.

I miss him dearly. I know that he is where he needs to be at this time, but it doesn’t lessen the pain of grieving his absence. There are so many things that I would like to do with him. Experiences that I may never have. Things that “normal” moms do with their teenage sons. I would love to meet his first girlfriend and dress him up for the prom. I want to move him into his dorm room and fuss over how often he changes his bed linen and whether or not he’s eating enough. I want to hold him when he’s feeling sick and take him to his doctor’s appointments. I want him to have a healthy relationship with his siblings. I want to be there for him. I pray that one day, these things will be possible. 

Right now, my wants are very different. Right now, I just want him to allow me to love him. I want him to love me. I want to be safe around him. We can’t move forward until these things happen.

To answer the question, “How do mothers cope when their child wants to kill them?” We miss them. We love them. We pray for them. We are still mothers.

Yushima Cherry Burks

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